Inspiration: Porn

I remember being curious about porn when I was maybe… nine years old. Someone had given my dad a hard core straight porn tape as a gag gift and I honestly don’t want to think if that was all it was… That tape, watched at a time when I was left alone for about half an hour kind of made me think ‘gross’, but it also made me more curious.

Now, that wasn’t the first time when I saw people ‘doing it’. I suppose I was about five years old when I found a stack of magazines with nude people on them from my uncle’s room at my grandparents house… 

See, corrupted at an early age and all by myself, mostly. 

I think the first time I saw anything outside the straight porn stereotypes was about my late teens. By then I knew I was a lesbian (I’ll get to this definition later…), so naturally it was lesbian porn I was looking for. Sadly I could immediately tell there wasn’t much at all I could get my hands on. There were no super fast internet connections or good computers yet, at least not in my house. 

The lesbian porn I could find in the next five years or so just made me annoyed, I mean if you don’t have money or means to go right to the source, it isn’t good. We all know the ‘lesbian porn’ one can find, right? The not very real looking fake women with false nails and… Mhmm… No, I don’t find those girls hot at all.

So eventually, because I do love anything ‘pretty’ and always have, I got curious about gay porn. After all the men are usually very good looking. Maybe I didn’t want them more than I wanted the ugly guys in straight porn, but I’m a woman, we generally want more than just the mechanical image of fucking and that was what I was after.

At that point, maybe six years or so ago, I didn’t really look at it like that. I hadn’t really bothered to look into what made me tick more than on the surface level. I just knew that gay porn turned me on, as soon as I saw the first clip ever. 

It took me a while to realize it was more about the dynamics and yes, the whole deal about it being forbidden that turned me on than the actual hard core fucking I saw. I also became more interested at the performers than what they were doing on film.

Now, I know some people are confused about someone who just called herself a lesbian being turned on by guys in the first place. In general, I don’t get turned on by men. I don’t want to fuck men (no, wait…pegging, hmm…), I don’t want to go anywhere near a cock in real life and I certainly can’t picture myself ever falling in love with a man. Not head over heels, not immediately, not like I’ve fallen in love with a few women, at least. Then again I’m a big believer on never say never so…

Anyway, I like to label myself queer, when labels are needed and they can be put in a bit more complex way, lesbian, if I need the simple explanation to who I might be.

Now, I’m trying to wind down with this, bear with me.

This whole rant came from a need to write down something about what porn means to me, so here goes: 

I want the escape. I want to watch something hot and “pretty”. I want inspiration for the stories I write. 

But once I get to know a little bit more about the performers, I begin to care too. It’s not just once I’ve received (or sent) an email from a friend about something that has happened in an adult entertainer’s life. Not because we like to gossip, but because these guys are people to us.

And it shocks me sometimes, to see how much the male fans treat these guys like robots. Men might be differently hardwired, but these guys put a lot on the line to do a job almost nobody respects, even in the glorious, liberal 21^st century.

Me? Today I’m bummed because I had technical difficulties and I didn’t get to see how much Samuel Colt and Chris Porter’s puppies Eggs and Bacon have grown in their live cam show early this morning (my time). Or how much more muscle mass Chris has now than the couple of months ago since the last show, because I know how hard he’s worked for that. No, I’m not saying the live sex doesn’t interest me, but it’s not the main point for me, not at all. 

I’m also hoping that one day I get to meet Kennedy Carter, who is one of the most genuinely nice guys I’ve ever “met”. Maybe we’ll be in the UK at the same time, eventually. 

There are a handful of other performers out there that I try to follow too, but lately, and because of Twitter, these are the guys that seem to mean the most. The more that I get to see glimpses into their lives, the more I want to support them (in more ways than buying the occasional website subscription I can afford). 

There’s nothing wrong with being interested in porn, for whatever reason you watch it, and there’s certainly nothing wrong of being the performer, or working in the industry in some other way. 

Humans are, luckily curious, sensual beings and that’s how it should be.

My first cover!

Here it is, the cover for my story The Double Ds that will be published by Summerhouse in about two months time. As you can tell by the cover, it is a M/M/F-story.

I'm SO excited! :)

Also, I'm trying to get someone to make my a proper webpage. I have nothing against blogger, but I'm an old school webpage kind of girl... So, keeping my fingers crossed here... :)

New publisher!

I've contracted my M/M/F- short story with Summerhouse Publishing, and it will be published in a couple of months time!

As usual I'll be telling all the news and giving you links as soon as I have them. :)

Latest news

My short story has been contracted and it will be included in an anthology this summer.
I'll tell you more closer to the date, but I'm pretty excited!


Also, tons of ideas in my head swirling around... Just need to get them out. Wish me luck!

It's mid March already??

This just hit me today. March 15th. That's like...wow. Two and a half months of 2011 gone already? How did that happen??

In some weird way, despite the depression and other struggles I've had this year, everything seems to be quite okay. For one, I'm writing. I'm writing quite a bit.

What's up with that, you ask?

• A novella, working title Auld Lang Syne, will be coming out in June. It is going to be published by Dreamspinner Press.
• I have other submissions in on other publishers as well, there's M/M, M/M/F and soon a whole novel of M/M/M that has some interest from a publisher already. 
• Currently I'm writing a shifter-story, because it just wants to get out of my head... Should be interesting enough, I hope. At least the general idea is a bit different and hey, my shifters will have actual packs with pups and all, not just packs that consist of a handful of gay males... Where do the new wolves come from in those stories?? Not everyone is gay, people.

I'm getting back to the routine of writing every day, making myself write despite producing a ton of utter crap that way. At least I'm writing, the editing comes later...

I'm also reading a lot, right now I'm greatly enjoying the novel Red Skies by Joanne Kells. You can find the book in the Dreamspinner Press website/store. Very good, detailed (but not too detailed), complex story with interesting characters that are actual guys and cowboys, not "girls in guy's clothes", like quite a few male characters seem to be in M/M-fiction.

Other than reading and writing, I've been trying to will my new piece of ink to heal fast. I love my tattoos and always want more, but the healing can be annoying at times.

I'm also gathering strength to start making a website for myself but can't see that happening, just not into that so much anymore.

That's about it this time, folks.

Stress, stress and oh, look, more stress!

It's the time of the year when my darling horse gets all sorts of stupid and wild and realizes he's a stallion. Yes, he basically forgets he had gonads for most of the year and come February, it all comes back to him...and the stupidity begins. He refuses, adamantly, to stay inside his paddock and because of that, he's completely impossible. Not only is there a surprise factor every morning about where we find him, but the real problem is him possibly causing harm to himself or say, the family cars. If he's feeling very adventurous, he might trek in the snow and go into the neigbor's yard and... You get the idea.

So, when you take into notice that I normally suffer from depression and anxiety, these past couple of weeks have not been very easy for me, because despite being an insufferable ass, the horse is my baby. Because of that added stress, I'm going to escape next week for almost a week to go on a little vacation. Nowhere sunny or warm, sadly I can't afford that, but I'm going to go visit some extended family and get far enough away to not be bothered no matter what the stallion gets up to. Yay!

Now, if we're lucky, this might mean that I'll get some more writing done while I'm away... I certainly hope so, because stress doesn't equal good writing.

Speaking of writing... I now have one contracted novella (will be out around July via Dreamspinner Press) and I have a few other submissions sent around, including one M/M/F-short story, one M/M short story and my first novel, which is M/M/M. 

I'm sure I'll be updating the blog as soon as there are more news. Keep your fingers crossed!

More news! And this time it's good!

So, I'm happy to report that my short short story Waves was published in Dreamspinner Press' February newsletter.

I can also tell you, that I'm currently doing revisions to a novella length story that has been picked up by a publisher. I can't really tell you more until there's something more concrete, but you should be able to see something by yours truly out there soon enough. ;)

Here's a link to the newsletter, where you can check out some of my writing. I'm also going to put up some freebies to this blog, so keep posted. :)

-Tia